This Hurts to Write: Struggle Edition

I’ve decided that the best way to get through a difficult time is to write about it, to learn from it, and maybe try to educate people on it. This blog, although somewhat debilitaliting to write for, has opened a floodgate of emotions for me. Healing emotions, difficult emotions, amazing emotions.

This weekend, for some reason or another, I was truly struggling with my food thoughts. My own demon was coming out and suggesting to me that I prolong my eating, keep my breakfast/lunch under 200 calories, or to just not eat at all. The logical side of myself was screaming, “Oh, stop! You know you shouldn’t be doing this!” While the other part was just generally being a douchebag.

It gets to the point where you would much rather hide in your bed than face the demons in your head.

My mom picked up a book called, “8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder: Effective strategies from therapeutic practice and personal experience” by Carolyn Costin and Gwen Schubert Grabb. She said she read it already and she wanted me to start reading it.

I pretty much wept the entire time. You identify with the narrative in the book. I kept shaking my head and agreeing with what they were saying. “That’s me” was uttered over and over again.

Some recovery is any recovery.

The Pros and Cons of Gettin’ a FitBit

So, you’re thinkin’ about taking the plunge, eh? Thinkin’ about buyin’ a FitBit, eh? Well, you should probably stop right here, partner! Let me give you the lowdown!

I get a lot of people asking me about the FitBit and if I actually enjoy it. So, I figured, why not write a little bloggy about it! No harm, no foul!


The Pros:
1. It is a great motivation: No, seriously. It’s a great motivator to keep moving. I find myself walking in circles while I’m brushing my teeth in order to get to reach my 10k goal.

2. You can wear it all the time: This is almost a no brainer! I can wear this sucker all day, everyday. I can wear it in the shower. I can wear it in the pool. I can wear it while I’m kayaking down the Delaware river while drinkin’ a brewsky. My FitBit has honestly just become a part of my body.

3. You can access it via your phone: Forget the days of having to sync by your computer. You can check your steps while you are on the go using your phone’s bluetooth capabilities. How fancy is that?

The Cons:
1. I don’t think it’ll help you lose weight: I say this because, listen, losing weight is 95% diet and 5% exercise. If you’re not trackin’ your caloric intake, you’re not going to be losing weight as fast as you would.

2. It can’t track your heart rate: If this sucker can’t track your heart rate, then the calories are going to be all sorts of skewed. This frustrates me. I’m still on the hunt for the fitness tracker. One day, one day.

3. It can only track you walking: One thing that people rarely think about is how the FitBit actually works. This guy will only track movement when it thinks it is a step. So, let’s say you’re at the gym and you’re riding on the bike? Well, well, well. Don’t get excited. The FitBit thinks you aren’t moving at all! Same thing if you’re on the Stair Master or on the elliptical that doesn’t have the moving arms. You’re SOL, my friend.

Overall Consensus:
I freakin’ love this thing. Is it worth the $99? Hell yeah. Do I think it is a great supplement with a heart rate monitor? Absolutely! Do I think you should trust it word for word? Definitely not. Take everything with a grain of salt.

I’d also like to note that I’ve been with FitBit since they first started. Early adopter, what what?

Is Not Eating Selfish?

Now, now. I don’t mean is starving yourself selfish. I’m talkin’ about choosing different foods or choosing to not eat when you are around other people. Is that selfish?


Back in October, I went with my cousins to a trivia night at a bar around my house. I knew beforehand that bar food, of course, would be served. I made sure to eat a healthy dinner before I went so I wouldn’t be tempted to eat.

And you know what? I wasn’t tempted. I chewed a piece of gum and I drank my water. I felt victorious. I felt like I gave a big ol’ FU to those deep fried mozzarella sticks and chicken parm sliders.

But I think it made the other people at the table uncomfortable. Like I wasn’t eating and it made them uneasy.

Is choosing to abstain from those types of foods selfish? I absolutely think so. And I absolutely think it is the best kind of selfish tendency that someone could have when they are struggling with their weight. Do I judge people who eat those foods? Heck no! Rock on with your bad self! I wish I could have indulged along with you!

But in the long run, we need to choose what is best for our bodies. Not eating can be selfish.

Is It Me or Is It the Guy Next to Me?

This is part of a series that I like to call, “#gymproblems”. The hashtag should be included because, well, reasons.

You know when you finally hop on the elliptical or treadmill of your choice and you’re jammin’ along to the latest Ariana Grande song (which I may or may not have done more than a handful of times) and suddenly an older gentleman gets on the elliptical next to you? All is going well until suddenly you take a whiff of the air. “Oh, goodness,” you mutter to yourself. You know what that stench is and you don’t want to admit it. Body odor. 

Do not do this on the elliptical

Do not do this on the elliptical

Now, it’s not really the body odor that is bothering you, but the one question pops into your head: Is it me or is it the guy next to me?

This has happened to me on more than one occasion and it’s usually a 50/50 gamble we have going on here. I mean, I was working out pretty hard, so it is possible that I could be the one with the BO. But isn’t it a little strange how that guy suddenly made the air smell a bit different upon his arrival?

To this I ask: Should we be ashamed of our scent? Should we just rock on with our bad selves? Or should we request that the gym provide deodorant in the locker rooms?

My opinion: Who gives a shit. You’re a baller because you’re at the gym and you’re working on you. Although, you may just want to slap some Secret before you leave. I’d appreciate you even more if you did that!

What it Means to be on the Sloth Running Team

If you follow my blog, you’ll know that I am not the best runner in the world. When I tell people about my running speed, I joke that a sloth can go faster than I can. You could safely place a bet that the sloth would reach the finish line before I did. That’s just how I run.

If any of you bought me this shirt, I'd just weep with joy.

If any of you bought me this shirt, I’d just weep with joy.

But let me tell you about the Sloth Running Team: It’s awesome. You wanna know why? Because even though I am going at the speed of a moseyin’ sloth, I’m still moving.

There is something about running a 5k without stopping (even though it may take you 45 minutes) that sets your heart a flutter. That feeling of pride and accomplishment that, yeah, man, you just ran 45 minutes straight! You know how many people can do that?! Well, uh, a lot of people can, but I’m sure there are a lot more people who can’t do that.

So, keep movin’, my fellow sloths. Keep movin’!

The Binge to End All Binges

The thing about weight loss is that we fall off the horse and we get right back up. Well, sometimes we get right back up. Sometimes we need a swift kick in the behind to finally climb back up on the horse and ride off into the sunset. John Wayne style.

I’m a big enough person to admit when I’ve failed. I’m even bigger when I admit that I failed on my website. I wouldn’t consider a binge a fail, but just part of that natural ebb and flow that I discuss about heavily.

On Sunday, I binged. And boy did I binge hard.

I went to the gym and burned a cool 700 calories during an amazing spin class. Went home and had a delicious egg white omelet, but then the rest went downhill from there.

Yeah! I ate this! And it was damn good!

Yeah! I ate this! And it was damn good!

I had a giant hamburger with french fries and polished off almost an entire pint of Ben and Jerry’s. You heard me right.

Yes, I felt guilty the following day. I felt so guilty, in fact, that I restricted heavily and only consumed about 900 calories on Monday.

But let’s get down to the nitty gritty: We live and we learn. We must accept what we have done and forgive ourselves. It is not the end of the world to eat a (fucking delicious!) hamburger and (fucking delicious!) ice cream. The world isn’t going to implode. Hearts will still keep beating. And me somehow restricting calories the following day will also not help the situation.

Recovery isn’t smooth. It isn’t linear. It is just like weight loss: ebb and flow.

What It Feels Like to Wear a Bathing Suit

I’ll be honest with you, the last time I ever felt comfortable in a bathing suit was probably when I was 8-years-old. My family and I belonged to a pool club and I distinctly remember going to Shop Rite with my dad to pick up goodies before our day by the pool. I was wearing a Winnie-the-Pooh two piece. No shorts. No shirt. Nothing but my little bathing suit.

Granted, it’s adorable for a chubby 8-year-old to be wearing nothing but a bathing suit through a supermarket. Today, I would probably have the police called on me, but that’s besides the point. The point is, is that that little 8-year-old inside me came out yesterday. I channeled her and damn, did it feel good.

Yesterday, I wore a one piece bathing suit. A one piece bathing suit with nothing else. I didn’t wear a cover up. I didn’t wear a towel. I didn’t wear shorts. I didn’t wear a t-shirt. You know what I wore? A damn bathing suit.

And for the first time in 16 years, I felt fucking fabulous in it.

P.S. I’ve added some more progress shots right here!


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,147 other followers