Remembering Your Past to Push Towards the Future

snickers-461902_640I’m not very proud of my past when it comes to eating. I used to hide food, sneak food, and binge on food when no one was looking. I was ashamed that people would look at me, this almost 300 pound girl, and judge me for eating what I wanted to eat. As I always said, being overweight is the worst kept secret a person can hide. You wear it on your sleeve. It’s not like a drug or alcohol addiction where you can still look presentable in person. A food addiction is written all over your body.

I was going through my room today and I stumbled upon an old, black, dusty purse. I had all intentions on throwing it out because, well, it looked like it had gone through Hurricane Sandy and back. But, like we all do, I opened it up just to see if I could somehow score a $20. That’s not what I found.

I found a blatant reminder of my past. Riddled inside were countless empty wrappers of junk food, candy, and paper towels that I can only assume held cookies at some point. I looked at the bag, I sighed, and the only thing I could say was, “Oh, Erin.”

To be reminded of your old self is sometimes terrifying, yet somewhat cathartic. You look at yourself now and say, “Wow. I can’t believe I was ever that person.” It fuels your fire to keep moving forward, but most importantly: it reminds you of how far you’ve come.

Stay the course.

Weight Loss is NOT an Invitation for Harassment

I’m 95 pounds lighter than I was almost 2 years ago. I am 105 pounds lighter than I was almost 3 years ago. Back when I was 287 pounds, it was nice that men hit on me. It was occasional. It was rare. It was still nice.

Not to much today.

I joined MyFitnessPal as a way to log what I was eating, log my weight, log my inches, track my calories and to, above all, create a community of support with people who want to do the same thing as I want to do: lose weight. I have gained endless friends through MyFitnessPal and it is beyond encouraging to talk to them about our victories as well as our struggles. It makes me feel like we are all in this boat together.

Today, I wrote on MyFitnessPal explaining that I’m feeling a bit of anxiety when it comes to going to the gym and working out. I then received this message:

2014-10-16 12.24.40 pm

I love how he explained in the first sentence that this surely was not a flirt, but then explained that it was still a small 2% flirt. This is a 46-year-old man hitting on a 25-year-old young woman on a fucking weight loss website. The rest of the message was just him explaining that he lived close to me and that we should work out together. Does he really think that I would want to work out with a much older man that is hitting on me inappropriately?

I responded and thanked him for his encouragement and completely dodged the question about us working out together.

He then sent me another message with lines like,

i won’t really hit on you much at all :) i’m way more harmless than i talk


fuck EVERYONE at the gym! you’re there for you! ignore everyone. if someone does hit on you, complain to management. if you’re in a good gym they’ll warn the fucker. don’t let strangers chase you out of a health sanctuary :)

I was pissed, to say the very least. I slammed right back with this message:

2014-10-16 12.23.37 pm

Me being a woman on the Internet does not give you the authority to harass me. Me being a woman on the street does not give you the authority to harass me. Me being a woman in general does not give you the authority to harass me.

*Drops the mic*

To Quarter Life Crisis or Not To Quarter Life Crisis

I’ve been touting for a few days now that my “Quarter Life Crisis” was imminent. When that big 2-5 hits it’s like a nice punch to the gut. “What have I done with my life?” “Why am I still living with my parents?” “Why am I not in a committed relationship?” and “Why do I feel like such a fuckup?”

Well, I’m 25 now. I don’t know if that makes me feel old or makes my parents feel older.

The truth of the matter is that we’re all in the same boat. We’re all just kind of floating on an inner tube in the middle of the ocean and either hoping someone saves us or we magically find a way to save ourselves. We feel a little helpless and beyond lost. But then the sun comes up the following day and you have another chance to experience something new, be saved, or save yourself.

I am officially choosing to not have my Quarter Life Crisis. If anything, I’ll just be joking about having one while simultaneously joking that I’m saving up for my hip replacement (which, duh, I am).

My goals for 25 are:

  1. Make quality friends that will cherish me and I will cherish them. This is not to diminish the friends that I already have in my life, but I feel like many kids that are out of college have a really difficult time to find friends. It’s hard to put yourself out there and just… ask someone to be your friend. It’s like your taken back to kindergarten. Please circle YES or NO if you want to be my friend.
  2. Develop new, creative passions. I’ve always been the kind of gal to dive into a new project, be really into it, and then let it fade a few months later. Typewriters, guitar, water painting, crocheting, knitting, etc. It just keeps going. Fitness is the only one that has really stuck with me, maybe because I see it’s potential beyond just making me happy. But I haven’t been passionate about anything other than fitness in forever. Time to change.
  3. Lose another 20 pounds. You know, I’d be content with just 15, too. My body is basically a sloth when it comes to losing weight. Being down 95 pounds is a lot, but I’d feel even sweeter with 100+. But I’d also like to not take such an emphasis on that number. I want to feel good, look good, and be content with my body.
  4. Never settle. A lot of 24 was spent with me trying maneuver around other people and making them happy. Although there is absolutely nothing wrong with making other people  happy, I have to stop and think about what makes me happy. That means never settling until I find that pure happiness.
  5. Start living. If I died tomorrow, I don’t know if I’d say that I felt fulfilled. I’d say that I experienced things and I had a grand time, but I don’t know if I really lived. I see other people on Facebook who have done endless things and I think to myself, “Shit. I wish I could do that.” I’m really just a scared girl who doesn’t want to step outside of her comfort zone. No more.

What I’m trying to really get at is that you’re awesome, no matter how much of a fuckup you think you are. That your age is just a number and it shouldn’t represent who YOU are as an individual. You shouldn’t feel pressured by others to be something or someone by a certain age. It doesn’t discount who you are and what makes you beautiful and an inspiration to other people.

So, happy birthday.

"You wanna party?" "Fuck yeah I wanna party!"

“You wanna party?” “Fuck yeah I wanna party!”

Let Your Victories Be YOUR Victories


Do you ever feel like someone is trying to “one-up” you? Someone is trying to steal that sunshine away from you? Someone is attempting to put you down while somehow lifting themselves up? We’ve all been there and we’ve all been surrounded by those people. Is this negative energy? Is this some form of toxicity we allow into our lives?

These past few days I’ve been grappling with the idea that I’m not going “hard enough,” or I’m not “fast enough,” or I’m not “strong enough,” or maybe me losing 90 pounds isn’t enough

If any of you have read my “I Was the Weight Loss Success Story” post, you’ll understand that I have been surrounded by people who wanted to take what was my glory and make it their own. They pushed me to fit their own agenda instead of focusing on me, the person, instead.

I’m here to to tell you that your victories are your victories alone. Own those victories. I don’t care if you lost a half a pound, 10 pounds, 40 pounds, 100 pounds, or even 150 pounds. Those are your victories to hold and to cherish. You did the work. You put yourself out on the line. You, and only you, can wear that triumphant medal around your neck.

And because of those victories, you don’t have to prove shit to anyone. The only person you have to prove shit to is yourself. Feel confident that you did it. Someone might come along and try to push you down and make you feel insignificant. What do I say to them: Piss off.

Keep fighting the good fight, my friends!

When Does Body Positivity Shift Into Glorifying Obesity?

I was overweight my entire life. I was thrown on diets, saw doctors and nutritionists at the tender age of 9. It was like I was told that there was something inherently wrong with me and something needed to be fixed. That is a feeling that no child should need to face.

My parents would tell me that I needed to watch what I ate, but that would only cause the adverse reaction. I would binge. I would sneak food. I would gorge myself. I claimed that I didn’t care what anyone else thought of me, but the truth was something completely different. 

The entire world tells you that you shouldn’t be fat, so I then tried to find ways to justify me being fat. I distinctly remember being in college and telling my dad that “being overweight is healthy!” I found guys that were only interested in dating a BBW and I submerged myself in that culture. I demanded that the rest of society change their standards and to accept my unhealthy lifestyle.

I will be the first person to tell you that I love the idea of being body positive. I am a strong believer in loving your body at any shape or size. I think it is really important to get a firm grip on loving yourself, let’s make no mistake about this. But when does body positivity shift into glorifying obesity? It is such a fine, delicate line. Since when did being body positive shift into being fat positive?

To me, loving your body is nourishing your body. Loving your body is providing it exercise. Loving your body is feeding it nutritious, healthy meals. Loving your body is making sure you aren’t damaging it. And I would argue that this entire body acceptance movement has shifted towards, “I am going to continue my lifestyle and claim that it’s just me loving myself. FU, society! Fat and proud!”

But let’s take the physical portion out of this equation. You can be fat, skinny, muscular, lanky, short, tall, morbidly obese, or as thin as a twig. It doesn’t change the fact that you need to be healthy. And to be healthy is doing all of those things that I listed before.

So, what is the solution here? Simply enough: Cut the bullshit. As my friend Jay from A Workout Routine says, “The solution isn’t to glorify it. The solution is to make the diet/exercise changes needed to fix it.”

Wait! That’s my face!

We’re inundated with messages from the media trying to sell us the latest fitness trends. We constantly see: “Buy this and never diet again!” “Why workout when you can eat THIS!” “Dr. Oz says this is the miracle pill! See why!” Doesn’t it just get overwhelming? Whatever happened to just good ol’ diet and exercise?

Then this happened.

Then this happened.

As you can see, that’s my latest progress picture. It’s being used on various Instagram accounts claiming that you can get ABS if you, I don’t know, buy their product.

I’ve talked about this openly on my Facebook, but I’ll discuss it here, too:

I did not use workout supplements. I did not have weight loss surgery. I did not use fat burners. I lost 90 pounds with pure diet and exercise.

Initially, I was extremely upset that I was being associated with this absolute nonsense, but the truth of the matter is is that I can’t do shit. From here on out, all of my progress pictures will have watermarks linking back to my website.

P.S. They are advertising that you can get abs like ME. Wait! I don’t even have abs! I’m the worst spokesperson alive!

P.S. If you’d like to follow me on Instagram, click HERE!

Positive Reinforcement is the BEST Reinforcement!



Good news, sports fans!

I’ve been kind of avoiding the scale because I didn’t think that it would really do me any good to get on there. Simply because if I hadn’t lost anything, I’d try to restrict and if I did lose something, well, maybe I’d still try to restrict. No winning here, you see.

So, I put on my big girl panties and I finally hopped on the scale last week for the first time since late May. And I was down 4.5 pounds. What! That means that I have lost 89 pounds. What!

And you know what this means? This means that me eating 1550 a day and being active and not restricting heavily can still mean that I can lose weight.

If anything, this is the best positive reinforcement ever. I’m really excited and I’m really proud of myself.

 Anything is possible if you go at it head on and be strong. You can do it.


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